You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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