I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
