Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize