I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
