bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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