Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
