he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
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nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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