I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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