I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
