i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
