Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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