so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
