I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
