In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
