Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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