Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
