i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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