Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize
