one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
