He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
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No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
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Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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