He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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