Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
