im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
