Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
