Please don't use social media to get back at me.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
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He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
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I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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