who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
