my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
