Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
