Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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