I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
