wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
So vagazzling was a success
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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