i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
