the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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