You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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