She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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