She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
