Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
