You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
