I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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