I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Randomize
