Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
