Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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