Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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