People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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