On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
