Define "chronic" masturbator.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
You are a genius and a whore.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
