i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
