She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
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what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
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Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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