I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
