i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Randomize
