i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
