You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
