So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
