I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
